


Arachnid-homosapien

by Spideys_bagel



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Aged down Wade wilson, Asexual Clint Barton, Bisexual Peter Parker, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gay Bucky Barnes, I Don't Even Know, Lesbian Shuri (Marvel), M/M, Memes, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Pansexual Tony Stark, Peter is a Little Shit, Social Media, Teenage Eddie brock, Twitter, i don't know what's going on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2019-10-28 20:38:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17794358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spideys_bagel/pseuds/Spideys_bagel
Summary: In which Peter goes on many social media and meme adventures with his friends and family





	1. The group chat

**Author's Note:**

> Lol this is my first fic on AO3 so criticism is appreciated.
> 
> Idk what's going on here honestly mostly just crack and memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter starts it all

_**Peter-man created a groupchat with Irondad, Mr.America, scary spider, birdman 1, birdman 2, green bean, and 6 others** _

Peter-man:its wednesday my dudes

Irondad: peter..... what is this...

Peter-man: a groupchat,, duh!

Mr.America: Tony who is this?

Irondad: see that's a funny story...

Peter-man: I'm Peter!!! :)

birdman 2: man, why am I birdman 2?

birdman 1: CAUSE IM BIRDMAN 1 HAH!

Shiro: wth,,,, why is my name Shiro? What does that mean?

Peter-man: oh mr.barnes, I watch this show where there's a character who also has a metal arm and I thought it fit pretty well :)

Shiro: fair enough

Princess meme: Peter oh my god

Princess meme: I think this is the best idea we've ever had

Peter-man: right???

Irondad: no this is the worst thing!

Greenbean: hello peter

Peter-man: hi Bruce!

Irondad: wtf

Irondad: I've known you for two years kid and you still call me Mr. Stark but you call him Bruce???

Peter-man: you'll catch me dead before I start calling you by your real name

Irondad: smh

Thunder: bruce!!!!!!!! Hello!!!!!!

Greenbean: hey Thor 

birdman 2: u don't need to use so many exclamation marks smh

Peter-man: shit I forgot to add a couple people 

_**Peter-man added mjayye and guyinthechair to the chat** _

Shiro: whomst

mjayye: Peter what the fresh fuck

Mr.America: Language.

mjayye: fuck off

guyinthechair: DKALHDIAKSHALDHSKJDJDJSJSKAJDJ

birdman 1: u okay?,,,,

Peter-man: Frick I think I broke Ned

guyinthechair: YOU DID NOT JUST ADD ME TO AN AVENGERS GROUPCHAT PETER OH MY G-

Princess meme: chill 

birdman 2: okay first of all

birdman 2: who is this Peter,,,,

birdman 2: second of all

birdman 2: why does Tony know him,,,,

birdman 2: and who is "mjayye" and "guyinthechair"

Irondad: Peter is my intern and the others are his friends from school

Thunder: I wasn't aware you had a son Tony

Irondad: Peter isn't my son

scary spider: then why is ur name Irondad hmm?

Irondad: I will delete your kneecaps

Mr.America: You'll... What?

Peter-man: I'm proud he's learning the meme speak

_**Mr. Strange left the chat** _

Peter-man: he didn't even give it a a fuckin chance

Princess meme: gottem

Roady: oh dear god Peter why,,,

Peter-man: because I fuckin can that's why

Mr.America: language.

Irondad: I stg steve

Mr.America: I don't know what stg stands for

Shiro: I swear to god

Mr.America: Jeez sorry

Shiro: no, babe that's what it stands for

Mr.America: .....

Mr.America: .....oh

birdman 1: I can't believe that bucky is more educated in internet slang then cap

Snake: Sah

Irondad: Peter who is that?

Snake: hehe

Peter-man: hi mr.loki!!!!

Thunder: brother :))))

Snake: Peter u lil shit u gave my cover away

Irondad: WH A T

Irondad: NUH-UH NOPE THERE IS NO WAY REINDEER GAMES IS HERE

mjayye: bruh chill idk why ur in a big time rush

Peter-man: oH oH oOh

Princess meme: oH oH oOh

Princess meme: jinx u owe me a soda u two faced bitch

Peter-man: how am I two faced?

Princess meme: the whole secret identity thing u doorknob

Peter-man: ssshhhh

Irondad: HELLO?? ARE WE NOT GONNA ADRESS LOKI?

Snake: no

Green Bean: hey lokes

Irondad: LOKES??????

Snake: hey Bruce

Thunder: that's not fair brother!!! I tried calling you lokes and you stabbed me

Snake: only Bruce can call me that

Snake: partly because I'm scared hulk will break my whole spine again and partly because he's the one of the only people I can stand here.

Thunder: :(

Snake: :)

Peter-man: can I call you lokes?

Snake: of course

Peter-man: :)

Irondad: i-

Roady: hhh I feel like this was a mistake

Irondad: no shit

birdman 1: I for one am pumped for this

guyinthechair: I think I had a small aneurysm

Peter-man: you okay???

guyinthechair: barely

mjayye: loser

guyinthechair: <3

birdman 2: man fuck this I need a nap

Irondad: same

Thunder: OOOF LOKI

Snake: what

Thunder: Val drank her way through the entire stash on the sakaarian ship

Snake: jesus- okay I'll come get her dw

Peter-man: okay goin on patrol homies

Peter-man: smell ya later

Princess meme: I'm literally begging u to stop

Peter-man: never

Irondad: stay safe Pete

Mr.America: what's he doing?

Irondad: not really my business to tell

Furry: hello?

Furry: what is a furry?

Furry: why is my sister laughing so hard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skskks idk what I'm doing hhhhhh literally no clue where I'm going with this
> 
> I'm really tired and made this cause I was bored
> 
> Don't know when I'll update but whatever lol
> 
> (10 points to whoever caught my voltron reference hehe. I'm a firm believer in peter being a salty vld fan who hardcore ships Klance)


	2. Introduction to twitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The introduction to twitter!
> 
> peter is a badass  
> rhodey fucks up  
> tony is mad and clint is a little shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hhhhhh time for some twitter fun cause I love those kind of aus
> 
> fair warning there is some homophobia in the chapter from flash but not to bad

**Yeeter Yarker @petep**

Ok so I've decided that school is not important. I've got my life all mapped out already and none of which involves this asshole infested building

**MJ @dontspeaktome**

Replying to @petep

Are,,, you ok?

**Yeeter Yarker @petep**

Replying to @dontspeaktome

honestly yeah I'm just sick and tired of fl**h

**ned @n3dl33ds**

Replying to @petep & @dontspeaktome

just ignore him. He is not worth it 

**Yeeter Yarker @petep**

Replying to @n3dl33ds & @dontspeaktome

Yeah, I guess

\---

**Spidey @arachnidhomosapien**

g o t t e m

**Spider-Stan @ilyspides**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

You haven't been active on this account in like 3 months and this is the tweet that you come back with?

**Spidey @arachnidhomosapien**

Replying to @ilyspides

I was sad so I wanted to cheer myself up with quoting memes

**Ironman @aastark**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien & @ilyspides

Who hurt you? I will d e s t r o y them

**roady :) @colonelrhodes**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien, @ilyspides, & @aastark 

Dadmode™ activated

**Spidey @arachnidhomosapien**

Replying to @ilyspides, @aastark, & @colonelrhodes

RHODEY THIS IS PUBLIC-

**roady :) @colonelrhodes**

Replying to @ilyspides, @aastark, & @arachnidhomosapien

SHIT-

**Spider-Stan @ilyspides**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien, @aastark, & @colonelrhodes

WH A T ??? THE FUCK? ?

\---

 

**BREAKING NEWS - IRONMAN HAS A SON??**

 

**BuzzFeed: You Will Not Believe What James Rhodes Exposed On Twitter**

 

**Tony Stark Secret Son Exposed? -** **Is Spider-man The Son of Ironman?**

 

**\---**

**Peter-man:** rhodey what have u done

**roady:** fukc IUhiewjk

**Irondad:** RHODEY IM GOING TO KILL YOU 

**Irondad:** PR IS FUMING

**scary spider:** what is going on

**Peter-man:** hhhhhh nothing

**Peter-man:** dw ms. black widow its all good here

**Irondad:** jesus pete-

**Peter-man:** lmao bye 

\---

Peter closed his computer to stop himself from reading more articles about him being Tony Stark's supposed son. He got a few calls from May and Ned, but he specifically decided to ignore them. He knew they would be questioning him about the articles, asking what happened, he didn't really want to discuss the absurdity of it. Rhodey was only making a joke. It shouldn't even been taken too seriously, but the press is the press so of course they would think he meant it literally.

 

He placed his computer back into his backpack on the ground next to him and decided to focus on the sandwich in front of him instead. Though, his peace and quiet was interrupted approximately two seconds later by a hand slamming down on the table next to him.

 

_"Wheres your boyfriend Penis?"_ came the voice of Flash.

_"None of your business."_ Peter replied knowing he was talking about Ned, who was to be sick.

 

Usually it bothered Peter when Flash taunted him about his sexuality, but today he just wasn't having it. Ever since peter came out as bi, the bullying and name calling increased ten-fold. 

 

_"got tired of sucking your dick did he?"_ Flash taunted.

_"do me a favor and fuck off flash."_ Peter growled,  _"don't you have anything better to do than be obsessed with me?"_

 

It was evident by the look on Flashe's face how odd it was for Peter to retaliate, as he started sputtering for words at the aggressiveness in his voice.

 

_"I'M NOT-"_ Flash started but cut himself off before stomping away in a fluster.

 

Peter decided to go back to his sandwich only after going on twitter to see the real damage up close.

\---

**Yeeter Yarker @petep**

I just stood up to a homophobe holy shit-

**Shuri @wakandaforlikeanhour**

Replying to @petep

YAS KING

 

**Spidey @arachnidhomospaien**

I am not Mr.Starks biological son, but I still think of him as a father figure uwu

**Ironman @aastark**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

holy shit kid holy shit-

**B. Banner @7phds**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien & @aastark

Tony is currently crying

**Ironman @aastark**

Replying to @7phds & @arachnidhomosapien

I am NOT.

**B. Banner @7phds**

Replying to @aastark & @arachnidhomosapien

[img.tonycryingonthefloor]

**Ironman @aastark**

Replying to @7phds & @arachnidhomosapien

blocked.

\---

**birdman 1:** so

**birdman 1:** spiderman huh tony?

**Irondad:** fuck off clit i will but rats in the vents

**birman 1:** you wouldn't DARE

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> k so i think this one was shorter than the first so if so im sorry but here is the second of the different social media platforms that will be explored in the fic.
> 
> just to clear things up ned and peter are not dating i like interwebs but its not in this fic
> 
> but i was thinking of giving peter a boyfriend, maybe wade? as a disclaimer tho i dont like movie deadpool with peter cause hes a fuck ton older, but in the comics they are around the same age so here i would def age him down to be like one or two years older than peter who is 16. only if i were gonna do spideypool tho but i still havent decided.
> 
> (ps. be on the look out for a certain ex reporter disaster and his alien bf in the future)


	3. sub 2 pewdiepie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate times call for desperate measures.
> 
> Peter makes a video  
> Shuri makes fun of peter  
> And Peter is thirsty on main

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hnnnfgsjkeb this took way to long to get out for how short it is and for that I apologize
> 
> (Disclaimer!!! Wade is aged down in this au. He is 18, Peter is 16-almost 17)

**Peter Parker uploaded a new YouTube video.**

_**Title: why you should subscribe to pewdiepie a film by peter parker** _

the video starts with Peter sitting in a very fancy looking lounge/living room. The video cuts to an up close shot of his face as he sighs.

" _the end is near my dudes"_ he says

Peter then proceeds to do a salute. The sound of bagpipes edited into the video as he stares off into the distance, the current sub gap for t-series vs pewdiepie slowly fading into the screen overtop of Peter's face.

The video cuts back to Peter sitting on the couch. He clears his throat and then looks at the camera.

_"you should subscribe to pewdiepie, because Tony Stark says so."_

Cut to a very exasperated looking Tony Stark sitting on a couch looking at the camera.

 _"um..."_ Tony says before looking off to the side of the camera,  _"what do I say again?"_

Theres a very loud shuffling of papers behind the camera before Peters quiet voice can be heard.

_"just read the- read the thing."_

the clip slowly zooms in on Tony's face as he evidently starts reading something behind the scenes, calculations are edited in around Tony's confused looking face as he continues to read.

the clip cuts giving a effect that some time has passed, as the room looks darker, as if it's become evening.

Tony sighs before starts,

_"You should subscribe to pewdiepie because if you don't I will blast you with my repulsers." He deadpanns._

After a moment Tony then recreates Felix's iconic 'meme review' + clap. Way too quickly and offbeat.

The camera starts to shake and muffled laughter can be heard. The video then immediately cuts back to Peter sitting in the same living room from earlier.

Peter breathes in and the clip quickly zooms on is face as he does so. It jumps back to normal as he breathes out.

Peter looks at the camera again and says,

_"Spider-Man also thinks you should subscribe."_

The video cuts a a very shaky and unfocused video evidently taken on a phone as it's in vertical format. The recorder manually zooms in on a building. The building comes into focus after a few seconds and a message written entirely in spider webs is seen on the now visible Stark tower,

The message reads; 'Sub 2 pewdiepie'

The recorder reveals themself to be Peter as he lets out a small 

_"Holy shit."_

the video ends abruptly there.

\---

**Yeeter Yarker @petep**

i made a YouTube video :)

[Link]

**ned @n3dl33ds**

Replying to @petep

Dude how did you convince mr Stark to do that!!!?

**Flash @hundredyarddash**

Replying to @petep

Yooo how did penis Parker manage to bribe Tony Stark????

**MJ @dontspeaktome**

Replying to @hundredyarddash & @petep

Are you really that stupid Eugene?

\---

 **scary spider:** Peter i have a question.

 **Peter-man:** shoot.

 **scary spider:** are you the one who made the hilarious video of tony?

 **Peter-man:** maybe

 **Irondad:** i was peer pressured oKAY

 **Birdman 1:** AHAHHAAH I WATCHED PETER UR N 1 ON TRENDING

 **Peter-man:** am I? HOLY SHIT

 **guyinthechair:** PETER IM SO PROUD OF YOU

 **Peter-man:** THANKS BRO

 **Mr.America:**  What is a pewdiepie?

 **Peter-man:** AJSJJSJSJS

 **Irondad:** dont ask

 **Princess meme:** dont think this video will distract me from what you told me yesterday, Parker. Cause I never forget.

 **Peter-man:** i don't know what ur talking abt

 **Princess meme:** dont play dumb

 **Peter-man:** dumb? Whatever do you mean?

 **Irondad:** okay spill mini panther what's up with Pete?

 **Peter-man:** SHURI NO

 **Princess meme:** first of all: I take offense at being associated with my furry brother.

 **Princess meme:** second of all: you'll just have to figure it out for yourself.

 **Irondad:** noooo

\---

**Spidey ✓ @arachnidhomosapien**

**** could stab me and I would say thank you.

**Spidey ✓@arachnidhomosapien**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

FUCK WRONG ACCOUNT

**tony Stark love bot @ironssman**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

Wow spiderman really out here being horny on main

**Shuri ✓@wakandaforlikeanhour**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

AHAHHA OML YOU USELESS TWINK

**Spidey ✓@arachnidhomosapien**

Replying to @wakandaforlikeanhour

SHURI SHUT YOUR FUCK

**Ironman ✓@aastark**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien & @wakandaforlikeanhour

Im just interested to know who spides is talking about.

**Spidey ✓@arachnidhomosapien**

Replying to @aastark & @wakandaforlikeanhor

hhhnnnng nobody

\---

**Pool ✓@deadpool**

i just want the loml to notice me @arachnidhomosapien why do you hate me so?

**Spidey ✓@arachnidhomosapien**

Replying to @deadpool

ANNNGHSHH

**Shuri ✓@wakandaforlikeanhour**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien & @deadpool

spidey.exe has stopped working

**Ironman ✓@aastark**

Replying to @deadpool

You better stay away from my son you bitch

**Spideypool uwu @spider_webz**

Replying to @deadpool

Omg??? My ship??? Is it sailing????

\---

**Irondad → Peter-man**

**Irondad:** peter.....

 **Irondad:** please tell me your thirst tweet wasn't about Wade Wilson.

**_read✓_ **

\---

**Comment section for "why you should subscribe to pewdiepie a film by peter parker"**

 

**Jan**

well if I wasn't convinced before

**Adrian oof**

ew Tony Stark supports pewds? I would have thought better of him.

**Spider-Stan**

who is this boy and where can I get one?

**big memes**

HE SO CUTE

**Ned Leeds**

thats my best friend!

**avengers Stan 2003**

how does Tony manage to look fine even while completely exasperated

**Jonah**

Poor Felix. I wouldn't want someone like Stark supporting me. #teamcap

**Tiny stank**

is nobody gonna talk about how Tony must be close with this kid??? Who is he???

**PewDiePie ✓**

very nice.

\---

Peter would be lying if he said he had not screamed when he saw that pewdiepie himself had commented on his video.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope?? You enjoyed???
> 
> Also I added verification check marks since the last chapter hshdhdh


	4. Peter's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Peter's birthday for a day, MJ creates a aca dec gc, and Peter fucks up again.

* * *

**Peter-man:**!!!!!!

 **Peter-man:** its my birthday!!!!!

 **Mr.America:** Happy Birthday Peter!

 **Birdman 1:** yeah happy bday kid

 **Peter-man:** thankbyoh!!!!

 **Lord of thunder:** how old are you turning young Peter?

 **Peter-man:** 17

 **Snake:** wow you are a b a b y

 **Peter-man:** in am NOT

 **Irondad:** b a b y

 **Birdman 2:** i gotta say that IS older than I expected him to be

 **Shiro:** yeah I thought he was like twelve

 **Peter-man:** wow r00d

_**Irondad changed Peter-man's name to Birthday baby** _

**Birthday baby:** tgis is cyber bullying

 **Mr.America:** Tony, be nice to Peter, it's his birthday.

 **Birthday baby:** THANK YOU

 **Princess meme:** peter did you get my gift in the mail?

 **Birthday baby:** HHHHNNNNG YES TGANK YOU

 **Mr.America:** What did she get you?

 **Birthday baby:** im afraid that's classified information Mr. Rogers

 **Mr.America:** Please, just call me Steve. 

 **roady:** happy birthday Pete!

 **Furry:** happy birthday!

 **Birthday baby:**  thank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Birthday baby:**  anyways I'm changing my name cause fuck this

_**Birthday baby changed their name to yeeter** _

**yeeter:** much better.

 **yeeter:**  o and Ned if you read this are we still on for tonight?

 **guyinthechair:** ofc ofc uwu

 **yeeter:** uwu

 **mjayye:** losers

 **mjayye:** also happy birthday Pete :)

 **Birdman 1:** thats a mood change if I've ever seen one.

 **yeeter:** anyways Imma skrt skrt skiddash

 **yeeter:** bye all

 **Irondad:** bye

\---

_**Teamcaptain created a groupchat with loser, loser 2, knockoff sonic, moon, Abraham Lincoln, Lizard, & Charles Boyle** _

**loser:** mj

 **loser:** what is this?

 **Teamcaptain:** im so glad you asked, Peter

 **Teamcaptain:** this is so I can schedule team meetings and let you losers know when they are easily without going on a manhunt all around the school to find you 

 **Lizard:** k but I'm not on the team anymore? I moved schools?

 **loser 2:** youll always be part of the team Liz!

 **Lizard:** awe thanks ned :)

 **Teamcaptain:** also it's Peter's birthday

 **loser:** mj noooooooo

 **Knockoff sonic:** like we'd care about penis' birthday

 **Knockoff sonic:** also wtf is this name?

 **Abraham Lincoln:** stfu flash

 **Teamcaptain:** yeah what Abe said. You have three strikes flash if you go over your amount of strikes I'm kicking you out and you have to fend for yourself.

 **moon:** damn you got got

 **Charles Boyle:** my last name isn't Boyle......

 **loser:** charles you uncultured sWINE

 **loser 2:** have you not watched the best show to ever??? Exist???

 **Abraham Lincoln:** thats it! We need to have a squad hangout session and binge B99 

 **moon:** i second that

 **Teamleader:** i guess that could be fun

 **Knockoff sonic:** count me out

 **moon:** thats fine nobody wanted you there anyways

 **Abraham Lincoln:** OOOOOO

 **Charles Boyle:** fuckkng decimated

 **moon:** :3

 **Teamcaptain:** k so this Friday? Who's place?

 **Lizard:** yall better put me on Skype while your there

 **moon:** ofc

 **loser:** ooooooooof

 **loser:** i can't this Friday

 **loser 2:** o shit yeah you have the thing ;)

 **loser:** shhshshsh

 **Teamcaptain:** what thing?

 **Lizard:** oooooo a date? What's her name? ;)

 **loser:** Ajsjsjsjshakhdjshdhd

 **Knockoff sonic:** o yeah Liz you werent here. Penis is a fag now.

 **loser:** bisexual but go off ig

_**Teamcaptain kicked Knockoff sonic from the chat** _

**Abraham Lincoln:** lmao I thought you said he had three strikes

 **Teamleader:** changed my mind

 **Lizard:** well anyways what's his/her name?

 **loser:** hhskdj it's not a date

 **loser:** we just usually see eachother out and about on Fridays

 **loser:** i mean it's not that important I can just tell him I'm busy

 **loser 2:** only if you want to

 **loser:** i think it would be fun hanging out. Weve never done it before outside of like practices and competitions

 **Charles Boyle:** you better not run out on us again tho

 **loser:** I had a very good reason for doing so.

 **loser:** plus, it's SCHOOL trips I have a bad track record with not hang out sessions

 **Teamcaptain:** anyways who's place?

 **moon:** not to flex but I have a theater at my place

 **Abraham Lincoln:** that definitely felt like a flex

 **moon:** sorry :(

 **Teamcaptain:** ok it's fine. So we'll go to Cindy's place after school on Friday?

 **loser 2:** sounds good

 **Charles Boyle:** aight

 **loser:** ok

 **moon:** just gonna let my parents know uwu

 **Abraham Lincoln:** nice

\---

**Spidey-man → Wade**

**Spidey-man:** hey sorry Wade something came up for Friday.

 **Wade:** thats ok. We can see eachother other times ;)

 **Spidey-man:** yeah

 **Wade:** also happy bday bb

 **Spidey-man:** wtf how did you know???

 **Spidey-man:** thats kinda creepy lol

 **Wade:** you literally told me yesterday

 **Spidey-man:** oh yeah oof

 **Spidey-man:** anyways gtg bye uwu

 **Wade:** OwO

\---

 **nerd:** guys nobody bothered in adding Sally so I got her number

_**nerd added Sally to the chat** _

**Sally:** im offended u guys forgot about me

 **Abraham Lincoln:** none of us had ur number. Sorry :(

 **Sally:** its ok I'm not actually mad

 **Charles Boyle:** r u free Friday after school?

 **nerd:** were going to Cindy's to watch b99 as a squad

 **Sally:** o hell yeah

 **Teamcaptain:** hey not to be the bearer of bad news but I gotta add flash back because I can't find the fucker

 **nerd 2:** ugh ew ok

_**Teamcaptain added Knockoff sonic to the chat** _

**Teamcaptain:** flash you bitch we have aca dec practice after school 

 **Knockoff sonic:** fine

 **nerd:** these names are fucking horrible btw MJ I'm changing them

_**nerd changed their name to I swing both ways** _

_**I swing both ways changed nerd 2's name to (hacker voice) I'm in** _

_**I swing both ways changed Teamcaptain's name to captain mjarica** _

_**I swing both ways changed Sally's name to salamander** _

_**I swing both ways changed Knockoff Sonic's name to nobody likes me** _

**nobody likes me:** oh fuck off penis

 **(hacker voice) I'm in:** oh Peter you think your slick don't you

 **I swing both ways:** i 100% do

 **moon:**..... What

\---

 **I swing both ways:** guys

 **I swing both ways:** ok so I was just hanging out in the kitchen

 **I swing both ways:** and then djsjduis 

 **I swing both ways:** i turn around and bUCKY IS JUST STANDING THERE IN THE DOORWAY IN THE "ITS MY TURN ON THE XBOX STANCE" AND I SHRIEKED AND JUMPED AND NOW HE KNOWS MY SECRET THAT MOST OF YOU GUYS DONT FUCK

 **(hacker voice) I'm in:** peter,,,

 **captain mjarica:** wrong group chat buddy

 **I swing both ways:** ,,sHIT

 **Abraham Lincoln:** ummmm

 **Lizard:** peter what the fresh fuck are u talking about there

 **nobody likes me:** yeah penis what's ur secret

 **I swing both ways:** ok nothing it's nothing nothing's wrong ok it's fine

 **Charles Boyle:** you must realize that doesn't make us any less suspicious.

\---

 **yeeter:** ok so

 **yeeter:** mayhaps I fucked up

 **Irondad:** bucky talked to me I know what happened

 **Shiro:** look, Tony said you were up in the kitchen and I wanted to meet you for real I just,,,, didn't expect,,, you know

 **scary spider:** wait what happened

 **yeeter:** not important

 **yeeter:** but when I said I fucked up that's not really what I was talking g about. I may have talked about the situation in my aca dec GC instead of this one by accident

 **Shiro:** oh no

 **Irondad:** dammit Pete

 **yeeter:** dont worry!! I don't think they suspect anything!!!

 **yeeter:** hopefully

\---

**Spidey ✓@arachnidhomosapien**

dont you love it when someone scares you into revealing your identity :))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the updates are slow. I'm a bad procrastinator.
> 
> Also just for context, this chapter happens over the course of a couple days.


	5. #fucklutherlives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter watches the umbrella academy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short lmao

**I swing both ways:** ok so that was really fun

 **Lizard:** i wasn't even there in person but it was fun!

 **Captain mjarica:** yeah we should actually do that again sometime

 **(hacker voice) I'm in:** charles is now educated uwu

 **Charles Boyle:** hell yeah I am

 **nobody likes me:** what are you losers taking about

 **Captain mjarica:** we hung out without you

 **nobody likes me:** oh

 **nobody likes me:** whaterver like I'd care anyway

 **(hacker voice) I'm in:** oh btw did you start Tua yet?

 **i swing both ways:** ugh I've been trying too but I'm really busy with homework and y'know

 **Abraham Lincoln:** whats Tua?

 **(hacker voice) I'm in:** the umbrella academy it's a really good show on Netflix

 **Abraham Lincoln:** oh

\---

**Yeeter Yarker @petep**

k so I'm starting tua now uwu

**Yeeter Yarker @petep**

Replyig to @petep

Ok so I love Klaus and five and I would DIE for them

\---

**Spidey ✓@arachnidhomosapien**

klaus is a disaster twink holy fuck what a legend

**Spidey ✓@arachnidhomosapien**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

People really need to stop being mean to him smh

**Natasha ✓@blackwidow_**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

Rt

**Ned @n3dl33ds**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

Rt

**Pool ✓ @deadpool**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

Rt

**shuri ✓ @wakandaforlikeanhour**

Replying to @arachnidhomosapien

rt

\---

 **yeeter:** SHUT UP ABOUT THE MOON

 **yeeter:** NOBODY CARES YOU ABSOLUTE BITVH

 **Irondad:** peter it's 3 am why are you awake

 **yeeter:** sorry mr dad sometimes it just be like that

 **Lord of thunder:** im afraid young Peter, that nobody has been talking of the moon

 **yeeter:** fucking Luther has

 **yeeter:** stanky ass monkey bitch

 **Mr.America:** Language.

 **Mr.America:** Also Peter don't you have school tomorrow? You should be asleep.

 **Birdman 1:** are we going to blow over the fact that Peter called Tony dad

 **yeeter:** yes

 **yeeter:** and yes I have school tomorrow but I'm sorry Mr America captain Rogers sir but I m u s t finish the show

 **Irondad:** is that what you're talking about? A show?

 **yeeter:** yes

 **yeeter:** i must finish it mister Stark I started today but I need to finish it

 **Irondad:** jesus kid

 **yeeter:** u don't understand

 **yeeter:** im on the last episode and it's crazy. Luther is a bitch as always and won't stop being a bitch. Klaus is pure and I lovb him he is gay or pan I think and he has some new power thing with his dead brother Ben going on and he's having a tough time with it and being adorable as always and he's ready to die to protect his siblings and nobody listens to him cause he's a junky and they don't know what he's going thru cause he went back in time by accident to WW2 I think? I'm not good with dates. And he was thrown into the war unwillingly and fell in love with a guy named Dave and Dave is the only person he's ever loved this much and he had to watch Dave die right in front of him and the only one who sorta knows what's going on is Diego (I love him) and nobody else really cares and the thing is the only reason he went back in time in the first place was because some time traveling assassin's kidnapped him in exchange for his (kinda) little brother who is also a time traveling assasin and they tortured my boy but now he's back and the world is about to end cause reginald is an absolute bitch same with Luther and now their sister is going ape shit (heh) and fuckifbshydga she's going to destroy the world and cause the apocolypse with her powers and they all gonna die and FIVE he gave up dolores and was finally ready to "grow up" and start a life with his family and Diego had to watch his mom die (and his sorta girlfriend) and now hwusidiie fuck you Luther this is all your fault 

 **Irondad:** im-

 **Mr.America:** What show is this?

 **yeeter:** the umbrella academy

 **yeeter:** but I just spoiled a big portion of it woops

 **Mr.America:** It sounds interesting.

 **yeeter:** believe me it is

 **Irondad:** i was gonna say it sounds ridiculous but then again I remembered what our lives are like so,,

 **yeeter:** well anyways I gtg bye lmao

\---

**Spidey ✓ @arachnidhomosapien**

#fucklutherlives

\---

**Spidey ✓ @arachnidhomosapien**

umbrella academy S2 when

\---

**Ironman ✓@aastark**

@netflix please make another season of that show. Spiderman is speaking about it at rapid speeds, and I'm going insane. He did an all-nighter to finish it. I'm begging you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways can you tell that I love this show?  
> I finished it a lil while ago and I just wanted to talk about it cause lord knows Peter would love it too.


	6. Danger gays + Peter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A gay mess and his alien bf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are so short and I feel rlly bad :(

**I swing both ways:** k guys so I just made a friend who is new to new York. He just moved here from San Francisco and is our age

 **(hacker voice) I'm in:** ok,,, and?

 **I swing both ways:** well he doesn't really know anyone except me and a friend so I was wondering if I could add him to the chat

 **Lizard:** fine with me

 **Captain mjarica:** fine by me

 **nobody likes me:** im just surprised penis has friends

 **Captain mjarica:** ur on think fucking ice Thompson

_**I swing both ways added Eddie to the chat** _

**Eddie:** hey

 **(hacker voice) I'm in:** hi I'm Ned 

 **I swing both ways:** eddie ur name is unacceptable its way too boring

_**I swing both ways changed Eddie's name to pussy** _

**pussy:** first of all: how dare you

 **pussy:** second of all: it was one time and I told you that in confidence

 **I swing both ways:** actually it was v who told me u absolute heathen

 **(hacker voice) I'm in:** ok I don't want to be rude but, Peter has never mentioned you before. How did y'all meet?

 **I swing both ways:** i caught him doing shady shit in an alleyway

 **pussy:** i swEAR TO GOD PETER DONT TELL THEM

 **nobody likes me:** tell us what

 **Lizard:** yeah what

 **I swing both ways:** him and his boyf were fucking. It was,,,, a scaring experience to say the least.

 **pussy:** i will hunt you down and eat you

 **I swing both ways:** do it pussy

 **pussy:** you very well know I  _will_

 **nobody likes me:** wh-

\---

**Group Chat (choatic gays)**

**Monster fucker:** hah! Peter added me to his aca dec gc and not you

 **gaypool:** betrayed by my own bf

 **biderman:** sorryyy :(

 **gaypool:** i can  _feel_ the puppy dog eyes thru my phone

 **biderman:** well I mean Eddie needs more friends he only has us + venom

 **Monster fucker:** hOw DaRe YoU

 **Monster fucker:** seriously tho how lonly do you think I amkssjalldueibajoxnabcskao

 **gaypool:** you okay bud?

 **Monster fucker:** its venom. I want to say if you expose Eddie to someone who will hurt us I will not hesitate to bite off your head.

 **biderman:** h-

 **biderman:** i didn't know you could text

 **Monster fucker:** It is not too difficult to figure oujwjsiabsizjdbaobk

 **Monster fucker:** sorry about that

 **Monster fucker:** apparently he's been practicing typing for weeks

 **gaypool:** big oof

\---

 **Princess meme:** peter

 **Princess meme:** stop conversing with the danger gays I have an important question

 **Irondad:**.....danger gays?

 **yeeter:** w h a t

 **yeeter:** ill have you know I just left a very important debate about croissants for this

 **Princess meme:** do you think there are alternate universes with like, different meme culture

 **yeeter:** h o l y s h i t

 **Princess meme:** i k n o w

 **Irondad:** is noone gonna answer me? What are the danger gays

 **Birdman 2:** id quite like to know that myself

 **guy in the chair:** yeah same Peter you don't tell me anything anymore

 **yeeter:** we refer to ourselves as the chaotic gays thank you very much

 **yeeter:** danger gays wouldn't work cause I'm not y'know, potentially murderous

 **Irondad:** _???????_

 **Princess meme:** the danger gays is a group chat Peter is in with an alien and a mercenary who both happen to be; queer.

 **yeeter:** shuri why would you expose me like this

 **Princess meme:** just doing my job

 **Irondad:** _peter what the fuck_

 **Irondad:** p l e a s e tell me the mercenary isn't Deadpool

 **yeeter:** woops gotta blast

 **Irondad:** PETER BENJAMIN PARKER

 **birdman 1:** lmao

\---

 **gaypool:** but croissants  _could_ be radioactive if you fucked with them enough

 **Monster fucker:** i mean I guess but also no

 **gaypool:** fuck you Tom Hardy wannabe

 **Monster fucker:** ouch

 **biderman:** ok I'm back

 **biderman:** we were talking about this chat in the avengers gc and I realized there's someone who needs to be added

 **Monster fucker:** oh?

_**biderman added emo twink to the chat** _

**emo twink:** is this the chat you were talking about

 **biderman:** wtf Loki u weren't even in that conversation

 **emo twink:** i was lurking

 **emo twink:** and I must agree with the princess 'danger gays' sounds much better

 **gaypool:** holy shit that's amazing

_**gaypool changed the group name to 'danger gays + peter'** _

**Monster fucker:** i love it

 **emo twink:** also Peter you doorknob I know your spiderman

 **biderman:** WHAT HOW

 **emo twink:**......

 **gaypool:** babe......

 **emo twink:** i had my suspicions but it was confirmed from seeking your name in this chat.

 **emo twink:** i would also like to point out that I now know that you and Mr Wilson are dating

 **gaypool:** _shit._

 **biderman:** lmao woops don't tell anyone pls

 **emo twink:** you need not worry

 **emo twink:** same goes for you Brock. I am quite aware of your,,,,, parasite

 **Monster fucker:** _h o w_

 **emo twink:**  Try not to act so surprised of my high intellectual abilities.

 **emo twink:** I am sorcerer after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woops no twitter in this chapter
> 
> Also for anyone confused: Eddie is aged down as well. He is 17


	7. Peter protection squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade starts another gc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last new GC for a while. I'm starting to confuse myself with the different ones lmao

_**wave wilson created a group chat with married to an alien, buggy, don't talk to me, greasy, and star wars rulez** _

_**Wave Wilson named the group chat Peter protection squad** _

**wave wilson:** hello my fellow comrades

 **wave wilson:** this group chat is for the people who know Peter's identity and would like to be able to protect him at all costs

 **buggy:** oh my god

 **dont talk to me:** you forgot a few people Wade

 **buggy:** oh god mj please no

_**dont talk to me added shuwui, fridge, Tiny stank, road work ahead, mountain dew, and may the force be with you** _

**buggy:** mj what have you done

 **dont talk to me:** what was needed

 **shuwui:** this is a good idea. Our Spidey is always getting into trouble and could use all the help he can get

 **wave wilson:** mj why would you add  _him_

 **tiny stank:** oh me do you mean? 

 **wave wilson:** please don't yell at me again

 **buggy:** wait,,, when did you guys meet?

 **wave wilson:** oh he just found my number and sent some very threatening messages about how he would ruin my life if I somehow hurt you

 **Tiny stank:** dont worry I got it out of my system

 **tiny stank:** peter does need more friends anyways,, and if one of them happens to be a deadly mercenary who would be willing to "protect him at all costs" then I'm ok

 **buggy:**......

 **shuwui:** two bros......

 **buggy:** shuri I stg

 **may the force be with you:** wow I didn't realize how many people know his identity

 **buggy:** im not the BEST at keeping secrets ok

 **may the force be with you:** im honestly really confused if who is who though

 **wave wilson:** everyone sound off! I'm Wade Wilson aka deadpool but nobody is supposed to know that woops don't tell; my powers are; badass, regeneration, badass, awesome sword skills, deadly mercenary, and badass

 **buggy:** half of those aren't powers

 **greasy:** im Loki, aka god of mischief, sorcerer in illusion, mind reading, ect

**tiny stank:** _sorry but why is Loki here???_

**tiny stank:** oh and you know who I am

 **mountain dew:** bruce banner

 **road work ahead:** colonel James Rhodes aka war machine

 **shuwui:** shuri; princess of Wakanda

 **dont speak to me:** michelle. I can kick anyone's ass if I want

 **tiny stank:** this chat is filled with enhanced individuals. I think that's a stretch.

 **dont speak to me:** did u stutter?

 **tiny stank:** h-

 **star wars rulez:** im Ned, Peter's guy in the chair

 **may the force be with you:** peters aunt may.

 **fridge:** bucky Barnes aka the winter soldier I guess? But I'd honestly rather not be referred as that oof

 **married to an alien:** um

 **married to an alien:** im Eddie

 **married to an alien:** thats it. That's all.

 **wave wilson:** u bold faced liar

 **married to an alien:** shut up u absolute bitch

 **tiny stank:** come on Eddie we all told you who we were. If this is a Peter protection GC I want to know I can trust you around him.

 **married to an alien:** ok FINE

 **married to an alien:** im in a symbiotic relationship with an alien symbiote named Venom. We are also lovers.

 **mountain dew:** not the weirdest thing I've heard.

 **tiny stank:** i don't think we needed to know that last bit,,

 **road work ahead:** i just realized that both Thor boyfriend and brother know about Peter but he doesn't himself

 **greasy:** thor isn't the brightest

 **mountain dew:** as much as I love him,,, yeah,

 **buggy:** WAIT THOR AND BRUCE ARE DATING??????????

 **mountain dew:** yeah for a while now

 **buggy:** i cannot believe nobody told me

 **tiny stank:** i did

 **tiny stank:** i said 'hey Thor and Bruce started dating' 

And you replied 'gay' before continuing to watch a vine compilation

 **buggy:** i thought this group chat was meant to be nice to me

 **shuwui:** no it's just to protect you from danger

 **buggy:** smh

\---

**Yeeter Yarker @petep**

dont you love it when your b**f***** creates a group chat for you with a bunch of intimidating and over protective adults for you

**ned @n3dl33ds**

Replying to @petep

And teenagers****

**Ironman ✓ @aastark**

Replying to @petep

Does the censored out version spell out boyfriend? If so were having a talk later.

**Yeeter Yarker @petep**

Replying to @petep and @aastark

MR STARK I DIDNT KNOW U KNEW MY PERSONAL DJSJSHKAJD

**Ironman ✓ @aastark**

Replying to @petep and @aastark

I know everything Pete

**Flash @hundredyarddash**

Replying to @aastark and @petep

What the fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Group chats:
> 
> Avengers -
> 
> Peter, Tony, Bruce, Nat, Thor, Clint, Steve, Bucky, Sam, Rhodey, Loki, MJ, Ned, Shuri, T'Challa
> 
> Aca Dec -
> 
> Peter, MJ, Ned, Liz, Flash, Abe, Charles, Cindy, Sally, Eddie
> 
> Danger gays + Peter -
> 
> Peter, Wade, Eddie, Loki
> 
> Peter Protection Squad -
> 
> Peter, Tony, Bruce, Wade, Eddie, Loki, MJ, Ned, May, Bucky, Rhodey
> 
> (Sorry if I've forgotten anyone)


	8. Woops lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've taken 8374628937483 years to update, I've been spending more time on other fics oof

**(Avengers)**

**yeeter:** i have a small issue e e,,. Hhdi

 **Irondad:** what????

 **yeeter:** iinf bone,,, there's a bone

 **Irondad:**????? What does that mean???????

 **yeeter:** blood.

 **Irondad:** peter ur scaring me

 **scary spider:** yeah what's happened

 **birdman 1:** kid are you okay??

 **Princess meme:** ok you can't get mad

 **Irondad:** shuri.

 **Princess meme:** peter may or may not have fallen off a building

 **Irondad:** he  _WHAT_

 **Princess meme:** i wanted to surprise him at his apartment, but he happened to be standing on the top of the building and I shouted to him "hey loser" apparently it scared him so bad he fell

 **birdman 2:** why was he on the top of a building??????

 **yeeter:** u shoulda caught me

 **scary spider:** _you_ shouldnt have been on the top of a building, that's dangerous

 **yeeter:** :(

 **birdman 1:** whered Tony go?

 **Princess meme:** he flew over to us

 **birdman 1:** ah

 **guyinthechair:** oh my god oh my god shuri is Peter okay????????????????!

 **Princess meme:** calm down with the question marks buckaroo it's only a broken leg

 **scary spider:** he said there was a bone and blood

 **guyinthechair:** oh godddddd

 **mjayye:** he's such an idiot

\---

**(Peter Protection Squad)**

**fridge:** i thought Peter had like a spider sense or smth? How did you scare him?

 **shuwui:** honestly idk

 **may the force be with you:** hes such a doof

 **fridge:** do you know what happened?

 **may the force be with you:** yeah Tony told me I'm on my way to the compound rn

 **mountain dew:** how in fuck am I supposed to explain why Peter is healing so fast from this?

 **fridge:** idk ur the doctor

 **Married to an alien:** in mean the only person other than the people in this gc to actually meet Peter is Thor

 **mountain dew:** this is true

 **greasy:** wheres Wade? I feel like he'd wanna know about this

 **shuwui:** hes with us

 **greasy:** i see

 **mountain dew:** since when have you been on a first name basis with deadpool, Loki?

 **greasy:** since I was added to the danger gays group chat

 **greasy:** which reminds me, Eddie I was wondering if I could add someone

 **fridge:** wow Loki asking for permission before doing something

 **greasy:** i only ask permission for important things. Also Thor has been hounding me on being a better person in general so alas,

 **fridge:** thats an oof

 **Married to an alien:** yeah sure as long as he/she/they is gay and dangerous.

 **greasy:** oh believe me, she is

\---

**(Danger gays + Peter)**

_**emo twink added vodka (bi)tch** _

**vodka (bi)tch:** n i c e

 **emo twink:** this is valkyrie. U can call her val

 **biderman:** hi val!!!! ****

 **vodka** **(bi)tch:** hey

 **vodka (bi)tch:** yo can I add my girlfriend she for sure is a danger gay

 **gaypool:** b my guest

 **vodka (bi)tch:** sick

_**vodka (bi)tch added Carol** _

**Carol:** sup

 **biderman:** hello!!!!! :)))

_**vodka (bi)tch changed Carol's name to glowing lesbian** _

**glowing lesbian:** thanks babe

 **vodka (bi)tch:** np ;)

 **biderman:** we should prolly do introductions right?

 **gaypool:** sure.

 **gaypool:** im Wade, or deadpool

 **emo twink:** val and carol know me already

 **biderman:** hello!!! I'm Peter Parker. Or spiderman :P

 **glowing lesbian:** hey peter parker

 **glowing lesbian:** im Carol Danvers or captain Marvel

 **monster fucker:** im Eddie 

 **biderman:** oof I gotta yeet off Mr Stark and wade are yelling at me to get some sleep :(

 **glowing lesbian:** sleep is important, Peter.

 **biderman:** yeah :( I fell off a building but I feel FINE. Nobody seems to believe me smh

 **vodka (bi)tch:** if that's true, even more reason to rest.

 **biderman:** why do I feel the urge to call u auntie Carol and auntie val

 **monster fucker:** its probably the authority ™ energy they give off

 **glowing lesbian:** you can call us that if you like :)

 **biderman:** nicegdhkshdjskshgdh

 **gaypool:** i took his phone

 **emo twink:** tell him to get better for us

 **gaypool:** i will

**Author's Note:**

> Skskks idk what I'm doing hhhhhh literally no clue where I'm going with this
> 
> I'm really tired and made this cause I was bored
> 
> Don't know when I'll update but whatever lol
> 
> (10 points to whoever caught my voltron reference hehe. I'm a firm believer in peter being a salty vld fan who hardcore ships Klance)


End file.
